In a stunning revelation that surprised absolutely no one, President Joe Biden found himself under scrutiny from the ever-vigilant Republicans on Thursday. Special counsel Robert Hur finally graced us with his presence to release the eagerly awaited report on Biden’s alleged mishandling of classified material during his post-vice presidency days.
Remarkably, the report concluded that although Biden “willfully retained and disclosed classified materials,” our legal eagles have determined that there’s no need for pesky criminal charges. It turns out, the top reason for this magnanimous decision revolves around Biden’s mental acuity, or lack thereof.
According to the report’s executive summary, Mr. Biden’s memory was apparently on vacation during his recorded interviews in 2017 with a ghostwriter (whom he generously shared classified materials with) and during his 2023 interview with the special counsel’s office. The report delicately noted that presenting Biden, with his charming demeanor and conveniently impaired memory, to a jury would likely evoke sympathy, making it oh-so-difficult to convict the elderly gentleman of any serious felonies requiring a pesky mental state of willfulness.
Republicans, ever the picture of composure, reacted with their usual restraint. Former President Donald Trump, never one to shy away from humility, graciously compared his own case to Biden’s, declaring the situation as a clear example of a “TWO-TIERED SYSTEM OF JUSTICE AND UNCONSTITUTIONAL SELECTIVE PROSECUTION!” Trump, a paragon of innocence, assured us he did “nothing wrong” and cooperated “far more.”
House Speaker Mike Johnson and his Republican cohorts released a joint statement, expressing their deep concern over the special counsel’s findings. They pointed out the apparent recklessness of President Biden and decried the existence of a “two-tiered system of justice,” conveniently forgetting that their own party has never been accused of such a thing.
The statement went on to highlight the most disturbing aspect of the report – the claim that Biden’s memory lapses are so profound that he couldn’t convince a jury of his “mental state of willfulness.” In their eyes, a man incapable of being held accountable for mishandling classified information is clearly unfit for the esteemed Oval Office.
In response, Biden, in a completely unexpected turn of events, held an impromptu press conference where he graciously exploded at the media for daring to question his mental health. He confidently declared himself the most qualified person in America to be president, all while making a series of minor mental mistakes that were simply a testament to his unparalleled humility and wisdom.
Thomas Cooper